The State of My Health

Before I go on telling more stories and covering musical ground, I have to get this off of my chest. I feel the need to let people know about the state of my health. I am having days where I could swear that when people ask me if I'm doing o.k., they are really saying "How bad off are you?" This is getting really annoying because I've gotten pretty adept at hearing the way people use their voices to ask me something as simple as this.
For the record, I am not on my last legs! I am not in bad physical shape. I was given the clean bill of health for my heart back in 1974 when my last angiogram was performed on me. Yes, I deal with severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I have not had any flareups in quite a few months. In fact, I don't think I've had any bad shitting attacks at all this year that I can recall. Having Bowel Syndrome forces you to become very diligent and disciplined as far as what you can eat. It will scare the shit out of you people when I list my daily food intake for you in a post coming fairly soon from now. I've been dealing with IBS for the past little over 15 years since I was diagnosed. It took me 2 years to figure out what I could eat after I lost being able to eat everything under the sun for all of my life up to the early '90s.
Now, what some of you people need to get over is that, yes, I am thin. Get over it! Do I dress up like Nanook of the North in the Fall, Winter and a chunk of Spring? Yes. Get over it! Skinny people get cold. Do I look like death warmed over when I come in to work out in the morning? Sometimes. It's probably because I slept warm and stayed up too late the night before. I get a little grouchy when I haven't slept enough. Get over it!
I sometimes get to feeling like people are being nice to me because they see me as this fragile little guy. Have they bothered to check out the weight that I do on some of the machines at Oz Fitness? Yes, my workouts are very short-15 minutes tops if nobody is talking to me. Would I like to do more than one set on the machines? Yes. If only my Bowel Syndrome would allow me to eat more. But what some of you don't understand is that, of the food that I can eat, I can't pig out on it. I have to eat the same amount of the same food everyday in order to not throw my system out of whack and feel like shit-literally and figuratively. This is what forces the diligence and discipline upon myself. You also don't see the fact that I take my wonderful dog out for a 20 minute walk every morning of everyday, rain or shine, in order to keep up my cardio and bowel health. After I come home from Oz, I take her out for the walk. Then, on the mornings I don't go to Oz, I take her out at almost the same time as when I come home from a workout. I am not on my last legs, people. This leads me to my next point. You will have to forgive me for my crudity, directness and being straight to the point. This is directed at the ladies. I am putting it in the next paragraph so that it will stand out and that you will understand it very clearly. O.k., Here comes the next paragraph.>>>>>>>>>>>
I am not in such bad shape that I can't fuck!!.
Instead of some of you people just talking to me like a normal person, I think you are guarded against wondering if everything is physically o.k. with me or not. What is happening, as a result, is that I am getting isolated even more and more. When you do that, it gets me to feeling like I'm ugly (as in unattractive), have done something wrong to displease people and it causes me to get a little defensive. Add to that, like everybody else in life, I deal with a few dickheads here and there who piss me off because they are what they are. Understand where I'm coming from. o.k.?
In something which I will write about one of these times, I went to Nevada back in 1989 and 2001. I did not go to Las Vegas to gamble. My isolation made me finally have to go to brothels in order to even feel like I was having anything even resembling the experiences you were. For each time I went to the houses out in the desert, I spent at least two hours with the ladies I chose to be with. In a few cases, they could have gotten in trouble with their house madames because they spent longer than the two hours we booked ourselves for. Trust me when I tell you, the two hours were not spent talking (with one exception). They were spent having sex. If I'm supposed to be in such bad shape, then why did I spend two hours with these women and doing the wild thing? In one case, I spent two hours with two ladies at once.
If you want to talk about my psychological health, I think I can easily say that I'm confused in a lot of ways and hurt in others. I'm now in my late 40's (48 to be exact). I don't think things are ever going to be fully normal for me. But I'd like to think that there are some women out there who can help me to catch up. I have never wanted kids. My dog is my kid. That's enough for me to handle. An animal will always be my kid. They aren't as full of shit as kids anyway. I don't care how old you are (be legal please-I don't do that underage shit), but your maturity is the key. Please be mature so that you can break through a lot of bullshit.
The other part of my psychological health is based upon embitterment. Don't put me through things I've been going through since Grade School and had repeated in High School and College. Don't play on the stereotype that, since I'm thin, wear hearing aids and have never had a girlfriend (ie-a lover; I've had plenty of female buddies-only friends), don't assume that I'm going to roll over easily and accept your introducing me to some obese, Rubinesque women or substance absuing loser or some kind of religious reborn again nut-job. Set me up with someone that you yourself would want to be with or associated with.
Isolation is a weird thing. People say that you must have a moral structure. Isolation doesn't allow me to have much of one with the way things are going. I have my idealizations of what I'd like to see happen. I'd like to be with a woman in the regular way. She's single or just divorced. But if I can't have things happen in the normal way, then I can't rule out the possibility of being in a not so entirely ideal situation if only because I'm human and have needs too. I don't believe in having affairs with women who are in happy marriages. If they are in open or convenience marriages, then I can see myself with a woman for a short time in that situation if I am forced into it and have no choice. If things are going badly in a marriage, I can see a short fling happening as well. But it's not something I want to have to be caught in a cycle over. If I'm allowed to live in a normal fashion, then I stand a better chance at a relationship in the more relatively normal way. I'll end up meeting a single woman and we proceed from there. I came close to having an affair with an older woman a few years back, but I decided she was too old for me and I got the impression that she was too unstable psychologically-in other words, she was a bit of a nut. I walked away from it.
I don't want to go back to Nevada ever again. I've been there and done that. It's time for me to experience things that everybody else does.
I also have other pressures I'm dealing with which I will not discuss on my blog as of yet. It invovles family and I consider it too dangerous to be posting about. I have about 3 really close friends who know what I'm talking about and are kept very closely informed of the situation as it happens. I am in great hope that this situation will be of considerably less stress to me within the next year to year and half. By then, I hope that a few cycles I've been put through will have been mostly broken by then. I am aware of them. I have been aware of them for a long time. That awareness has helped me a lot.
I am generally doing fine. Yes, I'm a bit eccentric. I think outside the box in some areas and I've lived a life off of the beaten path. Please don't hold my health against me. I would like for it to be better, but I am not some ambulance case. I'm doing fine with the cards I've been handed. I don't work. I don't think I was ever meant to. But I'm fully functional. So please, allow me to live a normal life. It causes a person to live inside their head too much.
We now bring you back to your regular programming...