My State of Disarray Address-Jan. 2010

For this evening, I have decided to take a complete detour and tell you about my state of mind as it currently exists at this point in time. I'm fairly tired as I type this. I am at the start of some new stress as a result of new neighbors who have moved into one of the rentals by me who have not made a good first impression. The rental on the other side of me is also in a state of flux as it appears that the couple in that one has split up. I am now anticipating that the girl who is there right now isn't going to be there too much longer. I could end up in a situation where I have shitty neighbors to either side of me.
In the time I have been living here in the (ironically named) Santa Clara area of Eugene, I have had the misfortune of having bought my house from a crooked contractor who did not do everything he was supposed to do to make my house complete nor fully satisfactory. I was also not informed when I bought my house that the contractor made a sweetheart deal with one of the rental property management operations here in Eugene to dump off deeds when he couldn't find buyers immediately. What he ended up doing was not telling me that one side of me was already a rental while the other house next to me was being sold to a chemically imbalanced woman who was starting the process of foreclosing on the house the moment she moved in. If the resultant two years of just incredibly insane behavior on her part wasn't bad enough (I'll tell the stories one of these times), the fact that the house ended up being bought by the same rental property management agency that owns the first house I just mentioned.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm worn down from having gone through 9 different neighbors on one side of me and 6 neighbors on the other over the last little over 10 years I've been living here at my house. I can honestly tell you that 8 of the 15 neighbors I've had to either side of me have been terrible. There's no stability here. There really is truth to the saying that the good ones never stay long enough and the shitty ones always stay too long.
I have been so thankful for the presence of my beloved German Shepherd through all of this. She and I are so locked into each other. We are perfect for each other even though she is a special needs dog in regards that she's exceptionally shy and is only close to me and my Mom (and one friend of mine). I am convinced that if I should die unexpectedly, she would not be too far behind because of how locked into each other we are.
I am feeling so alone right now and I don't know what to do. The one person with whom I talk to on the phone about music all of the time is living in South Carolina. We have never met yet. We are supposed to one of these days. I wish he'd move out here. We went through a few bumps in our friendship along the way, but I'm positive that he's far enough along in the maturity department to know that we can't always be in complete agreement on literally every single thing.
This thing with women obviously hasn't changed since my first pangs in 1968. It's been a long haul. One of the paradoxes I've been grappling with is that, by appearances, I've been living the life of somebody who would be compatable with a woman who comes from a religious background (as in heavily) because I don't smoke, drink or do any drugs. Yet, when I'm angry, I swear like a sailor, I'm horny as all hell and I don't like people who have come up through certain religious influences. To be specific, don't get me near any Mormons or Scientologists or just plain weird religions. By the same token, I'm also very wary of people who don't believe that God or some spiritual entity doesn't exist either. What a lot of people would never venture to guess from me is that I consider myself a radical Catholic. I do believe that God allows for people to adjust for differentbeliefs without the threat of being struck down. One of my main beefs with the Catholic hierarchy is their obsession with sex. I think God really doesn't have this great obsession over sex. I think God believes in common sense, a general steering in the right direction and also that some people are living under circumstances that are not easy and that they do have to bend the rules a bit in order to get along.
It's like this whole thing about people having affairs outside of marriage. Yeah. In general, it's wrong. In common sense terms, it's good to avoid them. If you are in a marriage where it's understood that you two are the focus of the marriage, then don't have affairs. If you are in a marriage where people do have the o.k. to swing a little or a lot, then do it but don't draw a lot of attention to yourself. And then there's the bad marriages where an affair can be a port in a storm before htey can break away. There's so many examples, it's practically endless. I'm in shitty circumstances. I can't seem to land any girlfriends at all. What am I to do? If I met a woman with whom I could very privately have a fling with (who is in a relationship where it's o.k.), I would. Like I've said before, I've done the go to Nevada and do the brothel shuffle routine before and I don't want to do it again. I think what I'm trying to say is that God understands circumstances and that everything can't be put into a little knot and placed own on a table like a little present. There are plenty of you out there that I envy. You have your picket fences and your little lies that are kept in by those fences. You have day to day realities, but do you value what you have? I have realities day to day because I have no relationship to tie all of these things I'm going through in a way that I can value at the end of the day. I would value one hot night with a hot woman to take me away from this even if only for a brief spell. Obviously, I wish I could have a full and real relationship with someone I'm attracted to. Unfortunately, I'm not that great looking. I'm thin.
I'm also angry at the whole attitude by them over the Abortion issue. It's a woman's right to choose. Let her and God work it out. Yeah, I do get a little miffed over women who have perfectly healthy babies, have the money and then abort in the third trimester. But I'm not in their shoes.
I was told by somebody recently that being called fat is the worst thing you can call somebody. Well, he's happily married to a woman he loves very much. I'm a by-product of Social Darwinism. My thinness hass made me more alone than obese people I've ever met. He doesn't realize how his telling me that hurt so very deeply. He says my being thin and being called thin places that kind of putdown very low on the totem pole as far as having hurt inflicted upon you goes. I've been put down by fat people before for my thinness. How low do you think I feel?
I have also been told that my choices are based on a hierarchy of chance percentages. A late Aunt of mine once asked me, over dinner (as I was awaiting word of the death of my beloved Grandfather) if I would ever consider marrying a Black, an Asian or a Hispanic. Mind you, she didn't use those words. She used the un-PC ones and she made me feel like I was being tested by one of Mrs. Heisch's flunkies again when she was trying to prove I was retarded.
So, I can tell you. I have rarely been attracted to African-American women although I have seen a few I've gone ga-ga over. Off the top of my head, there's Halle Berry, Allison Stewart (formerly of MSNBC and who still occasionally subs for Rachael Maddow) and a Playboy Playmate named Karin Taylor. I'm not ruling out that I could fall deeply in love with a Black woman.
I am very attracted to Asian women who come from Japan, China, Korea and Vietnam (and Hmong peoples in general). The only ones I stridently avoid are women from the Phillipines. I have never been attracted to any and I generally have heard a lot of negative things about them in comparison to other Asian ladies. My only concern with Chinese women is that I don't want to be around ones who are pro-Chinese government. I like the idea of being with one who is part of a pro-Democracy underground from a safe distance away from being arrested by Chinese authorities. I'd also like it if she didn't want to be in China at all.
I have been attracted to Hispanic women. I have had my odds with some sections of their culture. I was greatly influenced by Portuguese (European) people in Santa Clara vs. Mexicans. I could see myself with a South American woman or a woman from Central America. I could see myself with a beautiful Cuban if she's not pro-Castro or pro-U.S. Republican either. So much for all of those crushes I've had on Scandinavian and German blondes over the years, right?
Poltically, I feel just as fractured as a lot of people do right now. I'm a Democrat because it's the closest thing that I could describe myself in ways that people would accept in American terms. I might be accused of being nutty, but I'd really like to see more Western European Socialism get introduced into this country. Healthcare, transportation and the banking system need to be taken over by the government. I want leaders to keep being freely elected. I'd like to see the vast majority of Republicans drop off the face of the planet because they don't care for people like me. I'd like to see the Democrats who got bought and sold by the insurance companies during the healthcare bill and destroyed the public option be taken out and be outcast from forever holding office again. As far as being an American is concerned, it wouldn't be pragmatic of me to be a Green or a Socialist. This damned country is too center right and corporate to ever allow something like this to to happen. And yes, Sarah Plain, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaught are the anti-Christ as far as I'm concerned. Hey Sarah, have you taken a peek at any of the Who's Nailin' Paylin porno films yet?
With the way things are going, there is going to someday be a class war in this country that is going to get violent on a large scale. It's coming. You can count on it.
If I didn't suffer from this damned IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), I would very seriously consider expatriating myself from the United States and live in The Netherlands, Germany or possibly Spain. I'd even consider Southern France. But it won't happen until a cure is found. I doubt that it will happen in my lifetime. I'd have to consider Canada as well. Who knows? Maybe I'm too entrenched in being an American to actually do it?
Would all of this finally get me a girlfriend? I just don't know. I hate freakish people of many forms. I call myself open-minded and yet I'm a lot more conservative in some regards in that there are certain comfort zones I need to be in. I hate piercings and huge tattoos. I also hate people who have to many animals than they can handle in their households, sloppy people, etc.
Where am I going to end up someday? Am I going to stay in Oregon or will I go back to California. Will I end up in Nevada? Where am I going to live?
Am I going to be safe? Am I going to be financially secure? Will I have a lawyer/financial advisor to make sure I don't screw up on my bills and my taxes? Will someone introduce me to a woman instead of having these occasional Adult Friend Finder women strangers asking to be my friend through my Facebook page? I don't trust those Adult Friend Finder women. They are looking for money, a sperm donor or looking to put the hit on my place to take things from me.
I have my days where I feel like I'm speaking face to face with people intelligently. There are other days where my confidence is such that I fell like a complet idiot. With my IBS, I have days where I'm so fucking tired that I can barely function. I really miss eating food like I did in the old days. Do you know how badly I'd love to eat hot dogs again, for instance?
Can I meet a woman I'm attracted to who could tell me that I am worthy of the sexual feelings I have and that they will be fulfilled by her? Can I have times where she can hold me and tell me that these past 42 years can start being put behind me because she is right there?
Will the stress of my relationship with my brothers finally go away? You don't get to choose your family and I thrive on being told literally that I'm loved. I have been enduring this for about 30 years. This has worn me down as well. I want my independence when Mom dies so that we don't have to deal with each other anymore so that they can't be mad at me from then on. They can stay mad at me for things in the past if they choose. I just want to move on. I want to live in peace.
Where has everybody gone?
This is my State of Disarray address during these uncertain times. I continue to be carried by the love of my Mom and my dog. Music keeps me together. My dream of female companionship stays with me although I think things are bleak. I have the faith of knowing I have Angels surrounding me. I guess I'm carrying on, but I'm really tired.